Well I've been doing really well with my feelings other than a slight slip up. I forget sometimes that I need to have more faith in the future and not worry so much. I keep my thoughts in control but sometimes I begin to think too much and analyze the little things.

My thinking has started to change, what I thought I wanted my whole life is not necessarily what I want now. Its a little scary and odd to accept. My priorities are different, but I don't think that it's a bad thing, more mature thinking if anything.

It has been tough at times to keep the emotional control. Mostly because things will be said that will trigger emotions and I have to fight to keep myself in order. Sometimes I think that it shouldn't be this hard. Trust me things are not perfect between us but thats more like real life. There is no such thing as perfect just what a person chooses to work on and make better. Were we in a real relationship as more than friends, there would be a point of making the effort. For now as friends the only way things will change will be if I make a point of bringing it up.

I have tried to think what it would be like to meet someone different, maybe better. But the longer I try to imagine it, the more I think that he is the right one for me. I truely can't imagine him not in my life and spending time together, in fact it instantly makes me sad to think about it. Fact be known...I believe that he is my soulmate and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But just because I know this does not mean that sometimes I don't truely hate myself for loving him. Were I just single I think my life would be different, but I'm not 100% single in my mind. My heart and soul belong to him and without him half of me would cease to exist and just be an empty hole. How does a person move beyond that, not sure I can.

I have always felt good about us and that one day we will be together for real. The only problem is that I can't seem to continue to have the faith that this will all work out, I have many slip ups where I panic that I'll just end up all alone and pretty sure thats not what I want in my life. So with this new year I want to be more confident and in control of what goes on, also to be stronger in my friendship and to push the boundaries of it. Who knows, maybe this year will be the year it all comes together.