New conclusion, I've found that I know where the feeling of settling for second best comes from. I look at other guys and feel that I am settling for less than what I deserve and that I'm willing to wait a long time till I can find it. When in reality I have found it and thats where I feel like I'm settling, that he is so great and fulfills my life and other people do not equal up to him. Plus I look at other people and their marriages and interactions and realize we are more normal and communicate better than most. Plus I can see the happy life we would have together.

Also I've been looking deep inside to making this year a time of progress and really getting my life in order. With the start of the year I have asked that I would know that I am taking the right direction and filling my life with the right things that will bring me what I want. The great thing is, is that I am staying open and listening better. Even today for example just watching someone do sign langugage and being reminded that is something we want to learn together, again keeps me sure that this is all going work out.

I'm paying attention finally and taking note that it all happens for a reason and that sometimes there is no good explanation why things are and that you should just go with it and accept life as it is and enjoy the moment. Because the moment is forever changing.