Ok so I'm still enjoying an emotionless life and loving it. Busy almost everyday with my best friend and its great to be able to share interests, movies and food together. I suppose there could be a few things that I'd like improved but hey nobody is perfect!

A strange thing has happened in the last few days. For starters I don't expect to hangout all the time but now after a day or so I'm feeling ignored. It all comes down to getting a surprise text from someone old. Someone I dated, liked and who I enjoyed being with. It was great to catch up and strange thing is it caused a crack in the emotion wall. It made me really want to have someone care about me and show me that they care. I forget that sometimes my problem with things really boils down to me never getting the right kind of attention. The kind where even for a few minutes life seems perfect. That I am the most beautiful person in the world and can do no wrong. Normally my life is bombarded with opinions and criticism and it would be nice to just have a moment where all that disappears and everything falls into place.

This other guy is not someone who would turn into anything because there is too much missing. I want him, my best friend, the one person I love and yet the one person in the world who doesn't seem to want me like others do. How is that fair? Oh wait I forgot life wasn't fair.

Now I have to regroup and get things back to where they were. Lately my mind has gotten all jumbled with wanting someone to be with and I'm not going back to needing that. Especially since there is truely only one man I want. So I'm ready to go back to being my controlled self!

Good or bad I figured out how to be happy in my life. The only thing is I had to make a sacrifice in order for everything to be ok. Maybe its not a big sacrifice but maybe it is. I have always been someone who's emotions got in the way of life and have a tendency to mess things up. So after all these years I have managed to take all my feelings and emotions and lock them away. Surprisingly it actually worked and the aftermath has left me clear headed and very happy. I'll admit that if I thought hard enough I could let those feelings out, but even looking at them makes me instantly sad and depressed. So I chose to keep them shut away, maybe that will come back and bite me later but for now I'm just enjoying the happy parts.

On a side note things are going really well with him. But we are now definitely in the friends zone. Not that its a bad thing because we talk and hang out like everyday. Plus we have created a good and trusting relationship. Really not sure any other woman could actually put up with him but mostly I can deal with it. We are best friends for life, but I also hope that we can one day be more than just friends. Lately though he makes comments about other people looks and really I'm like the opposite of everything he likes. It sometimes makes me feel ugly, fat and undesireable. I know that's not what I am, cause I'm awesome in so many ways I just wish I felt I compared to what he seems to like. I want him to be attracted to me and not just in a friends way. But I keep all the feelings out of the picture and I can enjoy the moment and time spent together without feeling overwhelmed or upset. For now happy and going with that!

New conclusion, I've found that I know where the feeling of settling for second best comes from. I look at other guys and feel that I am settling for less than what I deserve and that I'm willing to wait a long time till I can find it. When in reality I have found it and thats where I feel like I'm settling, that he is so great and fulfills my life and other people do not equal up to him. Plus I look at other people and their marriages and interactions and realize we are more normal and communicate better than most. Plus I can see the happy life we would have together.

Also I've been looking deep inside to making this year a time of progress and really getting my life in order. With the start of the year I have asked that I would know that I am taking the right direction and filling my life with the right things that will bring me what I want. The great thing is, is that I am staying open and listening better. Even today for example just watching someone do sign langugage and being reminded that is something we want to learn together, again keeps me sure that this is all going work out.

I'm paying attention finally and taking note that it all happens for a reason and that sometimes there is no good explanation why things are and that you should just go with it and accept life as it is and enjoy the moment. Because the moment is forever changing.

Well I think that with age comes maturity and not in a way I would have expected. It's like my entire thinking has changed. Things that have been important to me my entire life are no longer what I deem a priority. Not that its a bad thing but definitely different, still trying to adjust. Nothing is stranger than your mind completely altering a lifetime of set thinking, and hope that I will eventually get used to it. I feel like after all these years my life is finally starting to fall into place and turn out the way it should. The funny thing is that I'm not in a serious relationship. No man, not married, no kids and yet for the first time I've finally become quite happy and content with my life. Since I'm starting to be comfortable with my single life it now motivates me to be more adventurous and create new hobbies to further enhance my knowledge and interests.

It's time that I begin to plan for my new future and become the most interesting person in the world, LOL. Well at least more interesting than I have been in the past. I need to research and expand my horizons so that I can become a contributing person in groups and society. As I have said before this is the year for changes and its happening as we speak. I'm finally becoming the person I know I can be!

Today I've been feelings split about things. I prayed about it and I feel good about everything working out in the future so I shouldn't worry. But there are always doubts, moments where I'm not sure what I want. I suppose there really is no need to worry I've started to become very comfortable with my single life. Maybe a bit too comfy. I'm finding that I enjoy being alone doing my own thing rather than spending time with others. It's fun to get out and do things, but then I really want quiet, alone time to off set the social. Also I'm starting to think I'm kind of boring and I need to find things so that I can become a more interesting person. It goes with my new year resolution to create more hobbies to learn and becoming a more well rounded person.

But back to my first comment, I've decided that I truely enjoy being single. The freedom, control and independence to chose what I do with myself. I would like someone in my life to keep the loneliness down, but I could possibly live without. But if I'm not going to have a husband then as long as I have some manly attention once in awhile I think I'll do just fine, for now ;)

Well I've been doing really well with my feelings other than a slight slip up. I forget sometimes that I need to have more faith in the future and not worry so much. I keep my thoughts in control but sometimes I begin to think too much and analyze the little things.

My thinking has started to change, what I thought I wanted my whole life is not necessarily what I want now. Its a little scary and odd to accept. My priorities are different, but I don't think that it's a bad thing, more mature thinking if anything.

It has been tough at times to keep the emotional control. Mostly because things will be said that will trigger emotions and I have to fight to keep myself in order. Sometimes I think that it shouldn't be this hard. Trust me things are not perfect between us but thats more like real life. There is no such thing as perfect just what a person chooses to work on and make better. Were we in a real relationship as more than friends, there would be a point of making the effort. For now as friends the only way things will change will be if I make a point of bringing it up.

I have tried to think what it would be like to meet someone different, maybe better. But the longer I try to imagine it, the more I think that he is the right one for me. I truely can't imagine him not in my life and spending time together, in fact it instantly makes me sad to think about it. Fact be known...I believe that he is my soulmate and the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. But just because I know this does not mean that sometimes I don't truely hate myself for loving him. Were I just single I think my life would be different, but I'm not 100% single in my mind. My heart and soul belong to him and without him half of me would cease to exist and just be an empty hole. How does a person move beyond that, not sure I can.

I have always felt good about us and that one day we will be together for real. The only problem is that I can't seem to continue to have the faith that this will all work out, I have many slip ups where I panic that I'll just end up all alone and pretty sure thats not what I want in my life. So with this new year I want to be more confident and in control of what goes on, also to be stronger in my friendship and to push the boundaries of it. Who knows, maybe this year will be the year it all comes together.