Change the Approach

Today I was out treating myself to a movie and running errands, when it dawned on me that I love my life and how things are. Somehow it seems wrong. Of course I accept my present situation of being single but while out I realized that in my life I'm happy single. I don't need a man and can go and enjoy anything I like without one. The only thing I really feel I'm missing is sex and companionship, but I can live without for now.

I don't know if its turning 30 this year or just becoming comfortable in my routine after all these years of living alone. But I question there actually being someone out there or that maybe the person I like now will perhaps work out. Who knows and I can't control what other people feel and want. Oddly enough I'm ok with being alone. I have a new job to keep me busy and fulfilling my need for social and the gym too. By the time I'm done with those two things I'm exhausted, its later in the evening and I'm done. By the weekend I need to catch up on all the things that didn't get done during the week. If I can keep my life busy, social included then I think with this big changed my life will be much more fulfilled than it has been. I've got the attention of a boy or two to text and keep me filling noticed and important and that seems to be enough.

With this new epiphany I feel that it's changing how I feel about life and what direction to take. I don't have to be one thing or another, just happy with the present. So long as I don't affect my emotions in any too dramatic way I think I'm on to something good. I'm changing the viewpoint I've had all my life and its just surprising the difference of it.

And....

Well I went on vacation and enjoyed a date with someone I met online and had a great time. I also have come to the conclusion that I need to change the way I date. Here is the new version for first dates; only public places, no individual homes, no late night or movies. Reason being that it will prevent all the uncomfortable/awkward things that happen on a first day that I for some reason seem to be unble to control. Public places keeps things from turning to serious or inappropriate on a first date. No cuddling or making out that occurs when you are alone at someone's house snuggled in a blanket in the dark watching a movie. Practically asking for it!!! So I'll have to see how thing go the next date I'm on.

Boys??

With this new attempt of dating I'm finding that guys surprise me constantly. Maybe I have just become so good looking lately that boys can't keep it to themselves but since when is it ok and normal for guys, who don't know and you've never met, to say they think you're hot and sexy, call you babe or baby, etc. Yes maybe this is only an online dating thing but then even in person I'm being given pet names like babe. Perhaps this is just me but babe or baby is not endearing, rather I find it degrading. Like if you are calling me that then you want something from me.

Also I will admit I'm a first date kisser, if I like a guy and he makes the move then it happens. But I'm trying to see if I can take a new approach and hold out longer in the dating game. Guys think physical before they ever make the mental and emotional attachment. Somehow I have all three at the same time. Once physical is in the mix I'm completely attached emotionally when the other person is just on step one and usually leaves fairly soon after it begins.

But back to the names. I'm finding that I really don't trust guys. Its not all guys but the ones I'm meeting online, which is the only way I seem to be able to meet men. I stay on the side of caution doing this, but I can't decide what is wrong with so many of them. Is it just an online thing, a Mormon thing, or an overall guy thing??? But I've never seen anything like it, and it shocks me. I'm looking for a truely nice, kind, loving, funny, honest man and maybe that's asking for the impossible....

Intro

I have several dilemas to discuss. First I was seeing someone who I was intimate with and really thought things were going to somewhere. Of course I was being my own worst enemy and overthinking everything, so I decided to enlightment myself and read up on dating. After reading I've realized my entire dating life has been done wrong and that I need to switch roles when I do date. That being said with bp I've realized I don't know for certain if he is seeing someone else but I've decided that it doesn't matter. Yes I'm disappointed and sometimes sad that we were together and it didn't mean to him what it meant to me. But I can only control myself and not what other people want or feel. Now I see that its just a matter of going with the flow and be friends. When the pressure of a relationship and dating increasing I seem to lose myself and can't act as normal as I'd like. So now I'm trying the I really like you , but I'm going to play it cool and start as the just friends role. Strangely ever since I've decided to act more like a friend the more attention I've gotten. That could mean one of two things. He only wants to be friends and now that the pressure is off him he can be more chill about it. Or two he likes you and is again taking the role of pursuer because I've backed off.

With this new direction I've also put myself back into the dating game. It's going surprisingly well and it helps to keep my mind off someone else. But with all my newfound knowledge I'd like to try out my new approach to dating. Here is some things I've already found. First I have all the power and with that I've seen better control of not caving in to things I don't want to be apart of. One problem is even though I tried I can't seem to figure out how to not kiss someone I've just met. This last time I really tried to not kiss and pretty much I just felt bad because I knew that's what the guy wanted really badly so I caved in, even though I had said I was trying something different. Thing was once he kissed me and it was bad that ended it. The interest was completely killed by then, so lesson learned. With the upcoming dates I want to continue trying new ideas to get to know guys and see what happens.

Sadly I still ride out some hope that bp will work out because he still tops as the best guy I've ever known and is really what I want. But then far back in my mind I still wonder if there could be someone else out there for me. Guess I'll have to see and for me its near impossible to stay optimistic about things but maybe one day my dream will come true.....

Changes

Many things have been changing in my life so I'm here to use this as an outlet to talk about boys without any opinions or inputs from others. I need to be able to focus on all my questions and concerns without getting advice from others that makes me question myself. This is going to be an exercise of learning to deal with relationships and everything else in my life in a safe, no judgement environment.